I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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