Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize