ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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