I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
My liver is preforming stress tests.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Randomize
