Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
