oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
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