And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
i think i scared a bird with my dick
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Randomize
