I have demons in me.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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