maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
