I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
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