i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
