I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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