At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
