my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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