Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
