I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize