so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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