I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
