also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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