I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Randomize