Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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