he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize