Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
