I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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