If that was your dad, he is hot
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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