Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
My Higher Power is John Stamos
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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