I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
