yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
