She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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