Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
My breasts were aching with rage.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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