there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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