Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
