Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
