guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
