I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
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