I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I think I sprained my soul last night
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
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