I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
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