wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
this will be a night to untag.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
