"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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