Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
