Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
