masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
