Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
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