she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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