Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Randomize
