Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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