im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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