Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
