my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I will be naked everywhere
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
