Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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