john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
PANTIES FOUND
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
