so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
