sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
please come you make the beer taste better
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
