thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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