he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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