the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
