Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize