she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
