we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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