i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
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