totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
