Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
your room smells of hookers.
And success
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
