the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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