My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
