God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
we're chasing vodka with high fives
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Randomize
