The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize