There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
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