I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I need moral support for this bender
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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