Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Randomize
